Psychotic Classes
by onlyonceinforever
Summary: Not exactly your normal fanfic. The result of extreme boredom with Kerri. Hogwarts class from a slightly different perspective. If you like Hermione and hate people who make fun of her constantly, then DON'T READ THIS! :ON TEMPORARY HIATUS:
1. Potions

**Disclaimer: Neither Kerri nor I own Harry Potter. End of story.**

**This is what happens when Ashley and Kerri are talking on the phone during vacation and decide to write a story where they get to teach Potions for a day. Since two people wrote this, it is posted under both onlyonceinforever and a proud geekfreak's thingys. Be afraid, be very afraid. **

Setting the scene:

Two girls skip down the hallway of Hogwarts, laughing and giggling about their evil future plans. They run into the dungeon of Severus Snape. Severus tries to ask what the hell was going on when the girl named Ashley (with her hair pulled back in a ponytail and a Linkin Park shirt on) pulls out her wand and Severus is zapped in a flash of blue lights. He falls to the ground and starts twitching, while doing the "I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck so shake my butt" dance (from the floor). The other girl, who has reddish brown hair, at this point picks up a chair and whacks him over the head with it, much like The Rock. Ashley screams "Give him the chair, give him the chair!" Once Severus wis knocked unconscious, Ashley and Kerri bind his legs and arms and gag him, then dye his hair purple and write "Property of Celia Snape" all over his face in lime green Sharpie. They uncarefully shove him into a broom closet and laugh maniacally.

They head off for their next class, which, coincidentally was Potions with the Gryffindors and Slytherins.

And here we are now:

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger filed in.

The girl with reddish brown hair known as Kerri takes hold of Hermione and tries to put her in the broom closet with Snape. Unfortunately, our other hero, Ashley stops her and whispers in Kerri's ear "We're going to make her suffer." Kerri nods and let Hermione go back to her seat.

Draco, Crabbe and Goyle enter the room

Ashley tries to jump on Draco, but Kerri holds her back and says "Later."

The rest of the class files in and finds their seats

Ashley and Kerri stand in the front of the room and cry "Tortuga! Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom will live forever!"

Everyone looks at them and blink

This random girl with wavy brown hair and brown eyes jumps up and screams "Where's my Sevi!"

Ashley and Kerri glance at each other and laugh

Ashley says "We killed him and stuffed his body in the disappearing broom closet." The girl starts to cry and runs out of the class in attempt to find the disappearing broom closet.

Kerri screams after her "Don't forget to write!"

Ashley clears her throat and say "Good day, class."

A particularly good looking Scottish boy walks in and says "Can I be in this class?"

Ashley jumps up and down and nods.

The good looking Scottish boy takes a seat.

Kerri says "We'll be teaching Potions today."

Most people look relieved that Severus wasn't going to be teaching it, but one certain prissy little bitch coughcoughHermione raises her hand.

Ashley says "Yes, prissy little bitch?"

Hermione glares at Ashley and says "Will we actually be working today and are you certified to teach Potions?"

Kerri shoots her hand up in the air, jumps up and down and says "Ooh, I know this one, I know this one!"

Ashley says "Yes, Kerri?"

Kerri replies "We are certifiably insane. And yes, we will be teaching."

Hermione raises her hand again and asks "What will we be making today?"

Ashley and Kerri look at each other, concerned, then pull each other away into a private huddle.

Kerri whispers to Ashley "What are we gonna make?"

Ashley shrugs. "We'll just wing it."

They turn around and Ashley says "We will be making..." She pauses and looks around, then notices a bag of Smart Food popcorn. "We will be making the Smart Food Potion."

Kerri says "And you're going to be needing the hair of someone who is a prissy little bitch, so everyone grab one of Hermione's. Give it a nice good yank!"

Everyone get up and grabs Hermione's hair and gives it a nice good yank.

Hermione cries out in pain and shock, but mostly in pain.

Ashley and Kerri look around on Snape's desk until they find a piece of parchment with instructions to make a potion.

Ashley reads the directions, Kerri hums the Wicked Witch of the West theme song.

Kerri starts to skip around the class, singing louder and louder until she reaches right behind Hermione and shrieks, scaring Hermione and causing her to spill the potion all over herself.

Ashley comes over and slaps Hermione upside the head and says "Now, you'll have to start over. And since we don't know where the extra ingredients are, just use your shoe. They're ugly anyway."

She goes over to see how Malfoy is doing to give him a bit of "extra help". Of course, this "extra help" involved a closet, but not the one Snape was stuffed in.

The aforementioned good looking Scottish boy decides he needs some tutoring as well and follows Ashley and Draco. This leaves Kerri all alone with a bunch of people who actually were doing what she told them.

Kerri stood up in front of the class. "Everyone, I'm going to talk to you about how words hurt. Now, as some of you may know, Orbit has modified their wintermint gum. Now, it says it has an even 'better' flavor. Now, this hurts the wintermint's feelings, because, ya know, what, it just wasn't good enough for them before? Now, this hurts the wintermint's feelings. If you were the wintermint, how would you feel if they said you needed improvement? Don't say anything, Hermione, just keep working on your potion. Now, so, if you see this Orbit with the packaging that says 'new, better flavor', don't buy it. Get the old kind, and chew it, because if I were it, I would want to kill myself."

Everyone in the class looked at her and made a mental note to avoid the crazy one.

_At the end of class_

The bell rings.

People leave.

Ashley, Oliver and Draco emerge from broom closet looking a bit disheveled.

Kerri flunks everyone who gave her strange looks.

The end.

**Ashley's note: I dunno if I like the format I typed this in, so tell me/us/whatever if you think I should change it and if you think we should write another chapter based on a different class. Thankies!**


	2. Care of Magical Creatures

**SPOILERS FOR BOOK 6! IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT YET, YOU SHOULD HAVE, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T UP AT MIDNIGHT TO READ IT THE MINUTE IT CAME OUT!**

Setting the setting: The same two girls from before – and if you don't remember them, that's too bad – were skipping down the road to Spinner's End. They stopped suddenly in front of an old, decrepit shack. The two girls knocked on the door and said cheerfully in a singsong voice,

"Jehovah's Witness! We're here to save you!"

The door promptly flew open to reveal a distressed looking Severus Snape. He cried out,

"Praise the Lord!"

At that point, the two girls just looked at each other, confused, and one muttered,

"Let's just kill him."

The other girl provided the trademarked "dun dun dun", as the first muttered insanely about how she always had to come up with the ideas.

With that, they grabbed Snape forcefully by the robes, nearly choking him to death, and proceed to drag him out of the house and in front of an oncoming Muggle bus. Unfortunately for Celia, his wife, and wonderfully for the rest of us, it didn't quite stop in time and send him flying into a bench. The shattered pieces of the aforementioned bench pierced his skin and then he died.

The girls did the happy dance of joy and skipped off back to Hogwarts.

_Sometime later, at Hogwarts where nobody cared that Snape was dead and Dumbledore was miraculously revived because Snape killed Dumbledore's clone_

The two girls Apparated – because they're special and the rules don't apply to them – conveniently into the boys Prefect bathroom on the third floor. Why the third floor? Because the third floor was where Fluffy was, and Fluffy rocks. And if you don't know who Fluffy is, stop reading immediately because we're about to kill you. Go us!

Anyways…somehow a very handsome Scottish boy by the name of Oliver Wood - who technically graduated three years before but came back to train the Quidditch team - came rushing, wearing nothing but a skimpy towel. The second girl – who was Ashley, by the way – gave a squeal of delight and followed Oliver into the shower.

The first girl – who was Kerri, by the way – spotted a tall red head, whom she also followed into the shower, only to slap him around a bit and then kiss him passionately. Well, they did more than kiss, but I'm choosing not to torture you poor reader any more than I already have. You can bow down before me later.

Then they decided to scurry on down to Hagrid's hut for the Gryffindor and Slytherin Care of Magical Creatures class that would be taking place there momentarily.

**We would like to take this time out of our story to do a little disclaimer – We are not insulting Jehovah's Witnesses, well Ashley's not, but Kerri is, but she's bound for hell anyway, so it's all good. Also, we'd like to say that everything that happened to Severus Snape in the first part of this story did not really happen, we just really, really wish it did. Sorry, Celia! Right, and we don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, though Kerri would like to point out that she is still mad at Ron for that whole thing with Lavender, and Ashley would like to add that Draco's STILL sleeping on the floor.**

The girls and Oliver, who had just decided to tag along, locked Hagrid in his hut, because they didn't want to hurt him, and they came him a couple large jugs of brandy to tide him over. Because, you know, they're not inhumane or anything, just to Severus Snape.

The Gryffindors and Slytherins filed their way down to the Forbidden Forest. Or, the Dark Forest, as they call it in London, but we're not in London, so TOO BLOODY BAD! The two girls summoned a pair of unicorns from the aforementioned forest and waited for the students to gather around.

While most of them looked pretty damn happy since we're such awesome teachers and that Potions class we took over kicked, a few of them /coughhackHermione/ weren't all that happy. Neither girl could figure out why, since they were ever so nice during the previous class, but didn't really care after Ashley spotted Draco and Kerri sighted Ron. However, their joyful reunion was cut rather short upon seeing that those bitches – no, not Hermione. For once. - Lavender and Pansy. Please note the lack of highly descriptive and rather demeaning adjectives that were left out so that the readers would be spared the mental torture.

And then Kerri just realized that her cat is six years old, and we're on the sixth book. Kudos to her and her cat who's SO much better than Crookshanks!

As Kerri debated whether or not to rant at Lavender about the whole snogging Ron thing or just to pummel her into oblivion, Ashley decided to take some of her pent-up rage out on that stupid, pug-faced bitch, Parkinson.

For the purposes of not scarring all you loyal readers for life, we have generously determined that it would be better for all of us if we left it out. Again, you can bow down to me later. Preferably in the form of reviews.

So, they decided to get on with the class, which really wasn't much of a problem, since the majority of the stupid idiots were already enthralled with the creatures. The second girl, Ashley, tore herself away from stroking Draco's hair long enough to say,

"These are unicorns. Get over them," and then went back to stroking Draco's hair. It's soft, for those of you who care to know.

Kerri, on the other hand, saw this opportunity as chance to make Ron pay. She cleared her throat and said,

"Mr. Weasley, please come to the front of the class."

Ron reluctantly came to the front of the class, his eyes not meeting Karolyn's.

Kerri started sternly,

"Ronald, go up to the unicorns and pull a hair from each of them. From their tails."

Ron gulped and asked,

"Don't they prefer females over males?"

"Yes, but Malfoy's busy at the moment," Karen – Kerri's having a little identity crisis at the moment, if you couldn't tell – then whispered into Ron's ear, "As long as you know how to flatter a unicorn, you'll be fine. So make sure you say how pretty she is and what a pretty girl she is. And make sure you use 'she' and 'girl'."

Ron trembled up to the unicorn and said,

"Hey there, pretty girl. You're looking lovely today."

The unicorn stared at Ron with a dangerous expression, chewing on a cud of grass, much like an angry bull. Ron, however, being as thickheaded as they come, was not discouraged by this, and started to walk around the unicorn, still saying things like, "She's a pretty one. I'm sure she's a heartbreaker."

The unicorn at this point stood up on its hind legs and began hitting Ron with his front hooves. This continued until Ron was on the ground with a broken nose. Then he said in a deep, rough, butch voice,

"My name is Joe and I'm all man, bitch. Why don't you sit your little punk ass down?"

Ron didn't bother protesting that he was already on the ground, and just whimpered in response.

In the meantime, Ashley was still occupied with Draco's hair and was quite comfortable by the looks of it, since the latter's head was in her lap. She couldn't help but smile maliciously at the look on Pansy's face as she failed to properly flirt with Oliver in order to make Ashley jealous. It was only after Pansy tried to touch Oliver that Ashley sprang into action.

She lifted Draco's head off her lap (to much protesting), and sauntered quickly over to the unicorn that wasn't preoccupied with mashing Ron. Ashley whispered something indistinguishable into its ear and smirked as she headed back over to where Draco was waiting forlornly and Oliver was looking trapped.

Without a moment's notice, the unicorn charged at Pansy and speared her through the heart with its horn. Ashley and some of the Gryffindors and a few of the Slytherins giggled maniacally as she died a slow and painful death. Only Hermione made any moves to help the dying girl, and, as per usual when Ashley and Kerri are around, she only succeeded in making a fool of herself.

Then, with a whispered word from Kerri, the unicorn turned on Lavender, who quickly met her own slow, painful death. This, Hermione did not try to help.

So, in conclusion, all was right in the world. And by 'the world' we mean ours. All was right in our world. As if to make a perfect end to a perfect day, a few students from each House had wandered into the forest, where the centaurs had come to take them away forever. The girls sold tickets to the show.


End file.
